Nurture

What it means to Nurture a Child

 My son has Autism. He is verbal. He is very intelligent but he still is different and has many needs. Typically when I meet someone that is getting to know my son, Logen, I get a few different reactions. The first reaction is pity. It's not mean. It is well-intentioned pity, but it is still pity. They want to just give Logen a free pass and let him do whatever. Even though the other kids may have to earn something, they hand him the reward right away because they feel bad and they know it's harder for him. The second reaction I sometimes get is fear. After they know he has autism, they don't want to approach him because they are nervous on what he might do or what they might say because they don't know how to respond. That unfortunately makes Logen and me, as the parent feel alone. The third reaction, I sometimes get is someone who smiles and is excited to understand Logen's needs. They still set Logen for success with peers or other kids but they don't pity him. They expect him to do what is fair for him in order to earn something. They believe he has potential and they often check in with me as the parent to make sure they are doing their best to honor that. They make mistakes but they still try. Sometimes it's been easy to judge them for judging my son. As a parent, when someone doesn't treat your child the way they should, you want to get defensive and protect your child and maybe your own feelings. I have felt that many times but I have reminded while thinking of nurturing, that it has a lot to do with patience and forgiveness. As we nurture our children, we can learn to nurture others too and by allowing everyone second and third chances and time to figure things, we can lead by example.  

In my BYUi reading on Parenting Skills for Nurturing, it discussed the importance of hearing our children, validating them, but not just giving everything to them. It shouldn't always be easy. I loved this Steven Covey and his journey on appreciating the long game of parenting and that in order to create effective outcomes, we have to wait out the storm, we have to hear them, nurture them, and help them (Steven Covey, 2020). If we teach through fear, they will be fearful. 

So how do I listen between the lines. How do I validate a child's emotions when they seem all over the place? How do I center them, challenge them, and remind them who they are? What about when I know they are making the wrong choices?

Steven Covey (2020) was patient. He waited but he also sat his son down at some point and asked how he could help. He didn't immediately accuse or cause fear to lead the discussion. He didn't work on being efficient and instead he worked on how to help his son be successful. He also didn't give the son a free pass because it was too hard or because it wasn't working. He simply checked in and offered his help and gave the son another boost. 

This reminded me that you have to keep believing in people and give them to see their potential, to make mistakes but keep trying. We are dealing with a steep learning, even the many people who are trying to understand my Logen. They are working through things. I have to give them time. 

In a video clip titled, "Tools for Parenting with Emotion Coaching (Gottman, 2012), Dr. John & Julie Gottman talks about listening and knowing how to validate emotions and not dismiss a child's fear or worries or excitement. They shared that sometimes it's about learning the right words to say, and putting yourself in the child's shoes before reacting. Validating is such a hot topic word. It's used a lot these days but it has more to do with relating with someone than anyone else. It's a way to build trust. 

I have learned from my semester that if we can allow for curiosity, and mistakes, and emotions -- we can better equip our children with tools and grit and experiences to excel in life.  

References:

Covey, Steve,  2020. Green and Clean. FranklinCovey Middle East, YouTube,  4:53. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfAaFLP4tsU&t=220s.

Gottman, Dr John & Dr. Julie, 2012. Tools for Parenting with Emotion Coaching. The Gottman Institute, Youtube, 2:08 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I