Individualizing

Individualizing our Children's Unique Needs.     

     There was a mom with six children when I was growing up that would drop her children off to compete for a swim team. I was a competitive swimmer and I loved to swim. Some of her kids did not however.  All six children though would show up to swim practice and then she would pick them up after it was done. A few of the children were around my age and they spanned about twelve years and so some were older and some were younger. A couple of the children hated to swim and sometimes they would hide in the locker room and not even make it into the pool. The girl who was my age once told me that her mom has stated that this is what we are doing because it's good for you. She continued to explain that she didn't  have a choice and while her brother and her didn't like it, her our older siblings did and so it was simply easier for her mom to just keep it the same for all of us, so we all do the same sport". 

I'm sure it was hard on this mom to get her kids places and this may have been the best choice she could make but that memory has stuck with me over the years as I have seen the many unique differences between my own kids. They like different things. They want different opportunities. They are very different in the way they approach conflict, or deal with competition. There have been rules as a parent that I have been apply to all of my kids but rarely has the strategy been the same. Sometimes, the activitiy, or the opportunity has been different for every child in order to meet their needs, not just physically -- but emotionally and intellectually. 

    This was especially heard in Week 02 of my parenting skills class. In our W02 Study (Parenting Skills W02, BYUi) , there was a discussion about gender and the roles and responsibilities that are required versus implemented simply because of gender stereotypes and a lack of equality. This has been especially talked about with girls having very different responsibilities and expectations than boys within the home. In some homes, women could not be afforded an education outside of school and were all expected to marry by a certain time. There wasn't a lot of individualizing for each child. Some of those things have changed in this world quite a bit but not all and certainly it's not individualized for every family. I was surprised in the group discussion at how many families also had struggled with their parents not supporting the daughters education, or shaming a child for not findings a spouse soon enough. 

In the book, "The10 basic principles for good parenting" (Steinberg, 2004), chapter four, it shares about how we can adapt our parenting to fit the child rather than trying to fit the child into our parenting. This may require us to change our temperament when we talk to a child. It might mean that we embrace fully that each of our child are unique and have special differences that should be celebrated and supported. Some of these differences might be harder as a parent to adapt to. In the book it said, "Siblings differ in their personalities, in their talents, and in their interests, and all of these should be factored into how you treat them". 

Despite my love of swimming, none of my kids have been interested in trying it competatively, and I have not forced them. My oldest loves to play chess, and video games. He loves playing with little kids and we have seen the love he brings to his brothers. My second oldest loves to read and play baseball. He loves to be in charge and is often considered a little bit bossy but he is working on that and the dynamic has been good for our home. My third oldest is spicy. He has a lot of emotions and sometimes can get angry. He is incredibly intelligent and is so passionate about things. That passion has rubbed off on my other kids. My youngest is smiley and sweet and loves to be the center of attention. He has felt that from his brothers. I can see why the unique talents of my kids helps them to help each other. While they don't do all the same things, I can empower them to embrace their individual needs, and still be a part of this family. 

References

W02 Parenting Skills, Parenting and Gender, BYUi, https://byui.instructure.com/courses/293864/pages/w02-study-parenting-and-gender?module_item_id=35080658. 

Steinberg, Lawrence, 2004, The 10 Basic Principles for Good Parenting, 


    


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